If only you were my real friend
Look, I know only my real friends will share this column, but I really need the money to buy chocolate.
Just tell your family or put a simple post on your timeline.
But if not, I’ll understand, though I’ll probably starve.
But if this refrain sounds familiar, it is the desperate dialogue of the passive aggressive, so desperate they have resorted to emotional blackmail, generally via your social media feed.
You know who I mean, or it may be you, those probably well-meaning but highly irritating modern versions of the chain letter circulated by those who become a little bit afraid of looking un-generous, un-caring, or just keen to retain a friend.
They are not, as we all know, the only annoying personalities to digitally enter your lives and beg for attention.
First there are the outright ‘look at me’ attention seekers.
They include the lonely martyrs who quietly pitch for interaction.
‘I’m praying for good news today, thankyou for all your good thoughts...’
About what? Why?
Stop being so obvious..
Then there are the glory hunters, pitching for posts and comments.
‘This is literally the best day of my life!’
It will be your worst, if I have anything to do with it.
Then the infamous humble-braggers .
If they were in person, they would be shyly looking at the floor, wearing a tiara and clutching medals/lottery winnings, while surrounded by sycophants with nothing better to do.
Online, they are modest.
‘I’m not looking for attention but I just wanted to share my small achievements with friends. I’m marrying the richest man of all time and I have won an Oscar.’
So you published it.
Then there are the vacuous, pointless, lemming-like trolls, filled with fake moral outrage, shouting at the messenger with ill-educated profanity.
How dare they publish this story about the world imminently colliding with another. Is it a slow news day?
Er. You read it.
Then finally the vomit-inducing meme-meisters.
‘Life is like a box of chocolates.’
Well it would be, if you shared my post.